Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here:
Alright, my sweet and gentle readers, I promised to do a part 2 to this obnoxious statement from Romney. Truth is, my dearest companions, politics has me in such a tizzy, if I continue, I may very well get the fucking vapors. Plus I am in no mood to do anything but rant incomprehensibly whilst shooting guns, smoking, and skinning animals. Like some wicked modern shaman channeling Hunter S. Thompson, Louis Black, and Ted Nugent.
Murrika!
Today I am particularly cranky, I am afraid. My blood sugar tanks on day 3-4 and I want to MURDER everyone. And when I gather up enough sense to return I want to punch-fuck every corpse I make. I quit my diet more times than Oprah launches hackneyed bullshit soccer-mom-lit networks. My recidivism is the stuff of local legends. Why, just today, my coworkers put out a pool to determine how long this stint in Keto-land would last. Solid Money is on 8 days, but don't be too surprised if it's earlier. I chose day 4 myself, and something tells me I'm going to be right.
Which segues into what I want to discuss today. I want to discuss cheating. Cheating is good for you, if the US Political system is any indication.
I often discuss working towards your goal. That was the original purpose of WIHBIT (pronounced wih-BIT, like a frog's vocalization) was how to, with lots of time and no money, reach your dreams. Now it's how to do so with no time (because you are busting ass) and no money (because your bills have tripled). basically, how's an adult like you going to get the American dream?
Like me, you're still chasing that, aren't you? You sad, pathetic, fool.
So I am going to discuss rogue multitasking. That is, the sort of multitasking that hardworking CEOs, or by Republicans, or the United Corporatocracy of 'Merrika impugns. It is, however, the kind of multitasking that goes on behind the doors of the American office. Like adultery in the suburbs, it is pervasive, pernicious, and... *grabs thesaurus* ...promoted. Huh, I had hoped for a better word.
Let us imagine a hypothetical corporation. It's an office, and your work is pretty much typing numbers. If everyone doing your job disappeared, the world would keep on keeping on, and only the Senior Adjunct Actuary Analysts would notice. You want more, but fuck all if your stuck in an humidity and climate controlled office 40 plus hours a week. The corporation is stealing your life (Warning, Slow Goddamn Link). What can you do?
Again, these examples are purely hypothetical.
You can steal back.
1) Pack Your Parachute
So you have a job. In this economy, your a lucky one. You sit for yours, even better. But intra-company prospects don't look too great. Maybe your boss is a cheapskate and pays dick. Maybe you burned bridges and no one will look at your for a promotion. Maybe the turnaround is so bad that they can't keep people at your level, much less promote you. Maybe you are an antisocial prick with a temper who, whilst mostly OK, sometimes terrifies your coworkers. Maybe you are a perfect example of the Peter Principle and ALL GODDAMN FOUR apply to you, you poor sot. Hypothetically, of course.
There are really three options that are worth discussing in a self improvement blog. There are a couple more, but they aren't appropriate for a blog about becoming better. So let's move on, shall we, kittlins?
So here they are: Pick the best one:
1) Apply for different jobs in the field
2) Change your work behavior and buckle down in the hopes your employer will notice
3) Use as much time at work as you can get away with furthering side projects?
If you picked 3, you are right. If you picked 1 or 2, you are an idiot. Let me explain
Number One is silly. If you are in the field you love, then you should have done this already. In this economy, though, jobs are scarce, and if you do this your best bet is to wait till other people give the fuck up. And if you don't like what you are doing, why trade the security of a companies current investment for another shitty job you hate? You are probably pretty safe for now, and there's no guarantee that your assholery will be accepted the new Grand Pooba Fuckstick Drones in the new cubicle. So unless the ship is sinking or you are "A sir," this is a shitty idea.
Number Two sounds promising, doesn't it? But self-improvement is fucking hard, and you can expect it to take a year at least to improve how your company perceives you. And, if you improve too much, your company may leave you in your position with additional responsibilities because "times are tough" and they laid off the entire HR department (Poor Janet). And who has two thumbs and extra work? You do, sucker. A year from now when the bad taste in your mouth translates into a 50 cent raise you wonder "how's that promise to lose weight and become a glorious goddamn novelist?" Yeah, about as well as I thought.
So your only option is three, really. Pack your parachute. What I am suggesting is, do what everyone else around you is doing. Work as little as you must and use every second you can squirrel away to work on personal projects. Blog on the clock. If you can't get out to the Internet, study something. Learn to hide your book under papers for when the boss walks by. take a shift that affords you anonymity - whatever you need to do to find some time.
A coworker calls this "Stealing Time." So be it. If corporate 'Merrika taught me anything, it's that cheaters win, marketing works, and you don't need to be good, just have a shiny press packet. And you can bet your sorry fat ass that your boss is doing it.
Damnit, this post is getting long. I promised to do smaller posts, and here I'm fucking the word limit like I'm a drunk tourist in Bangkok. Crying and throwing up all over the glitterboys.
Alright, kiddies. I'm not done talking about how stealing time is your best goddamned friend. Hypothetically. I would never suggest you really do this.
Next time, we'll see more about stealing your life back, the new job order, the term "adding value" and all sorts of other bullshit. But I am a Gemini and kind of a flake, so pool as to when the next blog post occurs starts now. You can up the chances by poking at me occasionally with a stick.
