Racing Rats Should Leave a Sinking Ship

Well, kitlin's. good news, for once.This is the best time to start self-improvement. I'm not going to be throwing a lot of links at you today. It's mostly just opinion. But I think young people have a real opportunity. And old people. You know, 30-year-olds.

I'm especially talking to 30 year-olds. Listen up. This is where many of us are. Retirees couldn't retire, so they took the jobs we would have. And then the young took some of them, too.  Unemployment is still too damn high. Sure, things are turning around. But we are still working shitty jobs.

The jobs available to most of us are shitty retail jobs. The kind of job that you used to get through college. The kind of job that you were suppose to go to college to avoid.

I am a rambling man, it seems. My editor, Sir Huffinpuff McSockSocks has pawed angrily at me as if to say "get to the goddamn point." So here it is.

5 reasons a downturned economy is AWESOME for Self-Improvement.

1) Adversity breeds creativity.
This is becoming an old rag, but I want to say it. Creativity is strengthened with a little adversity. true, disasters and soul-crushing ennui don't help much. But when pressed gently, by deadlines, by limited funds. And in solving these problems, you become stronger, and better. A perfect example is an old friend Greg. He had a problem reading (dyslexia, to be specific). To solve this, he learned to not see letters, but word shapes. Honestly, having never had a problem reading, I can only vaguely understand it. Suffice to say he realized that word shape, even reversed, can tell you a lot about the word. And so he's now one of the fastest readers I know, with better retention.

Also, Star Wars. (Is that a Law yet? Any internet argument of sufficient length will reference Star Wars? Can that be Ungart's Law?**). Due to the constraints placed on technology, the writing, drama, and characterization of the first 3 movies is vastly superior.
Gym membership is 10-30 dollars a month. Or you can use Youtube to make your own DIY gym. I'll send you pics as soon as I can get a hold of a camera. So far I have an entire gym, and I have spent about 3 months of memberships for it. And it's a lot more fun than grunting around meatheads.

2) No one holds your time but you.
Sure, your boss at the Stop-n-gulp may ask you take an extra shift 'cause Jenny decided to take off to go see the newest, coolest band. (that bitch!), but when you aren't at work, nothing is stopping you. They can't really make you do anything except you. Sure, money's tight. But you work 30 hours a week and then you are done. That leaves a solid 138 hours for important things.


So spend a few hours watching TV, or go for a walk. Hunt down fun things to do. Next week I am hitting the Art Museum, because it's Free Admission day. Then one of these weekends I'm off to the zoo. Sure, it's a racket. I'll have to pay for parking. But still. Beats working.

3) It forces you to think on what you can actually control.
This sort of dovetails with number 1. I wrote these off-the-cuff, and mostly just to see pictures of kittens. But it stands. As a broke-as-shit third-lifer, sometimes you have to decide between beer and insurance payments. Well, you need insurance. You can't really control your job too much. Unless you get creative. Do you choose the 9 dollar/hour McD's job or the 9 dollar/hour Starbucks job? Fuck it. Who cares. You are not, nor will you ever be, your job.

To reiterate. Nobody cares what you do when you’re a slave to the man. Use it as a way to explore something you love. Take a Martial Art. Join a gym (or build your own) . Start a blog about self-improvement that inexplicably turns political. Learn a language. The point is, information is nearly free (thanks hacker-gen!) and all that's required is time and determination. And believe me, you've got the time. And if schlepping coffee to (or with) overweight, angry baby-boomers and gen-exers doesn't motivate you to find something better, then you don't need this. You are a corporate slave. Go clackity-clack on your keyboard, greyface.  

You can’t control your job, you can’t control aging. So don’t bother. Do what you want. Go your own way.

4) It's highly leveragable.
Ok, for once my advice for the corporate lifestyle. The world is becoming chock-full of interns and people doing projects. But you've been serving burgers or coffee or selling books. Or god help you,. worked in a call center. Let's face it, though we bust our asses, we can't successfully answer the question "what did you actually do?"

Well, uh, I guess I served coffee. I tool 55 calls a day. And, how did that help improve the company? Uh... it... uh... Lowered call times? (It didn't, we were understaffed as hell -heaven).
 
They want to know that you built a more produvtive "whosit", or that you worked with a team of bulgarian midget engineers and the Gnomes of Zurich*** to increase toaster efficiency by point-oh-four-four percent. And let's be honest, working retail or service, you probably don't have the authority to even actually explore the possibilities, much less actualize and implement them.

So don't. Your resume - your project resume, should read about things you did. Learned a language. Lost weight. Travel. Show them that, despite a failing economy, you did things considered very difficult. That way you can leverage your free time activities should you decide you hate yourself, and are a whore to the corporate world.  

5) You’ll find your Element.
 A friend of mine dropped a book called The Element in my lap. It’s an alright read. More heat than light, really. He writes that the leaders in different fields found their “element”. Basically they found their passion, niche, and support group to become the best at “whatever.” If you are slogging away as an intern AND working at Bob’;s Chicken Shack, you don’t have a lot of time to find your element. So chuck the internship. In a year, it may make you a ton of cash, but in that same year, you may just find something that makes you actually happy and creative.. And if that’s sitting and watching TV, well, that’s ok. Relevance is for suckers.


The best thing about miserable circumstances is that you can find out how to be actually happy. I know, it’s weird for me to say that.  But Sun Tzu wrote that “To a surrounded enemy, you must leave a way of escape.”. Because if you give them hope they will run to it, and rout. But if they have no other option, they will fight like lions. Well, here’s your mistake. They have left an “way of escape” from your poverty. You think that internship in Corporate America (tm) is going to lead to something better.  And so you put off doing the things you love for a golden parachute. And by the time you get, you’ll break your hip using it.


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*nobody is paying me to shill.

** Beats the other Ungart's Law. I feel bad for the people in Ohio now. Look, I did not know the cat was underage, I swear. It said it was 12 months.

*** That's two Illuminatus Trilogy references. Eat it R.A.Wilson!

Value Added Illusions

Well, my lovely kittens, it's your unhelpful psychopomp of slack here. The last blog was apparently rather timely. I really was packing my parachute. Unfortunately it was still half full of anvils when I was booted out the door. Wheee!

Thankfully my workplace isn't so much a high rise office as it's a basement cave. So I didn't fall very far. Just sort of got dumped on my ass.

The reasons why are not terrible important. In other words I don't want to talk about it, unless I already have (which, admittedly, is most of you, dear readers). I will admit that I am in a sour mood today. Which is the perfect mood to discuss some bullshit.

We are going to talk about one of my least favorite phrases in business: "Value Added." I also hate any of it's combinations: "Add value, Adding value, extracting value, etc". It's a bullshit phrase.

Ever notice that the only people asking for more are the fucking takers? I first heard it when I worked for the fuckers at The Frantz Group. The lousy bunch of suit-wearing cocksuckers, I only thank them for two things. Chiefly, they made me realize I don't belong in cubicles or any place were I have to sell to others, and for making me read "The Accidental Salesman."  Though honestly, I didn't absorb a word of it.
They told me that when I started that we need to "Add value" as if this is explains why people buy shit. What the fuck does that even mean? I thought. I understand the words. I understand the concept, I just don't understand what the fuck they are asking for.

See, marketing took that phrase from Economists, dressed it in a pretty pink dress, and raped it. In marketing, it means features and additions that add value but cost nothing. In short, value adding is bullshit.

The true meaning of "Adding Value" is pander to some cocksucker's bullshit.

Someone's got something you want (money, sex, or power, usually). They are the gatekeeper of your desire. So you kiss there ass and tell them how wonderful they are in the hopes that some of that MSP spills over and splashes on your shoes. That's it. That's value adding. And we love it because we can pretend that the person adding value gives a shit.

Let me ask you this? When's the last time a politician "Value added" to voters? Fuck all. We don't have what he wants. He wants money and power. And to get that power he needs to spend money. You wonder why politicians offer sweet kick backs to companies? They hope to get money from the companies. And companies spend money so that they can get sweet deals and turn laws in their favor. And yes, politicians "value add". They aren't spending their money, they aren't ruining their power-base by pandering to the companies. They got that money and power from us. We gave it to them.


Imagine for a moment if I went to a Wal-Mart and said "well, I want to buy this Candy Bar, but, what value can you add?" Assuming the employee's IQ is above 80 (and likely it is, given this economy), they would laugh themselves stupid. They'd tell me to buzz off. But we are handing out free products to celebrities. Why? These companies are not idiots. They know that the celebrity won't buy shit - they don't know how to use money. However, there are thousands of idiots  who buy shit because some dumbass in a movie wears it. Seriously, are your David Beckham jockeys some how better than my 3 dollar Hanes. Really?

(As an aside, doesn't that sort of prove that for an economy to prosper then we need a lot of people with disposable income? I mean, if the rich having money helped companies, wouldn't they give away to the poor and sell to the rich?)

The reason nobody gives two shits about people at the bottom is that they forgot the power we have. It's our money, collectively, that drives the economy. Sorry if that makes the Rich feel bad and "breaks there feewings," but there it is. Sure, they worked hard to get where they got (sometimes), but they need to realize that working hard doesn't let you become a parasite and a dick. Maybe you should add some real value. Unless you are handing out small business gifts and fighting to stop egregious regulations on small businesses, your money is about as useful as Km Kardashian's marriage vows. (Is this too old a reference? It's the last pop culture bit I know)

But I digress. The point is, every cost is calculated. There is no such thing as adding value. Anyone who tells you to add value is being a greedy bitch. They are value extracting, and you can tell them to go right to hell.

Alright, few links in this one today. Less interesting, I know.

Next time, I might post on why I voted for Scott Walker because someone told me if I wasn't sure who to vote for, I shouldn't vote. Seriously, young people need to vote, but also need  not be stupid. Most of them vote leftist because it's not the right, and worse than being undecided. But there's 3 more days. Right, Left - we're fucked anyway.  Honestly, all we are voting for when we make the right-left distinction is which hand holds the dildo.

Edit: I just read Ms. Trunks "justifying stealing people's labor post." I am pretty riled up, and want to punch her dead in the uterus, but for now I'll just promise to rant on it.